Callao
When a father leaves a child on this earth with nothing to be proud of- when his sisters forget his ashes and get the gravestone wrong- it hurts to remember you come from a legacy of disappointment.
It's been four years.
Every winter I play the fool- I look at the calendar and I tell myself not to worry- this year it won't hurt so bad. And boy am I ever wrong. March comes around and I find myself in the same spot.
My father was a failure. He was a drunk. He pawned my birthday presents, left me on the curb, delivered me to evil women. He never taught me how to expect men to treat me well. In order to properly mourn someone, you need pride. You need legacy. You need something that connects. By all accounts and purposes I've got nothing.
That's where the dog comes in.
By the time my father left this earth I did not know him anymore. I have been searching so damn hard for four years to find him again. This week against the better judgement of absolutely everyone I decided to bring home a foster dog. And now I can't stop crying at stoplights.
It's never been just me and a dog before. Sitting here on my bed with 60 pounds of fur and bones asleep at my feet, I feel complete. And I feel like my dad is so much closer than he's been in years, dead or alive. Even when everything else failed- we both spoke the same language when it came to this. I'm glad I can still speak it.
This is not permanent- I still have to go west before I take full responsibility of such a regal creature. But I know he would be proud.
And for the first time in four years, I'm proud he would be.
posted by Amazing at 6:00 PM
3 Comments:
I first started reading your blog in December of my junior year in highschool. I can't remember how I got here or when but I was relieved because your writing style brought me to a place of understanding and brought an inspiration around that only vivid writers bring me. I remember reading about your dad and understanding to a certain degree because mine also drank. I was both heartbroken and confused for you. I couldn't imagine losing my dad but I do now. He died on the 28th of April, the drink also beat the reds. And I find myself again checking your blog. I don't know if it means anything to you, but thank you. For feeling the things you do and writing about them. I started writing about mine too and now I understand I wish I didn't have to.
http://thingsyouvemissed.tumblr.com
It means everything in the world to me. From the very bottom of my heart- I am so sorry that you had to cross to our side. I'm so sorry that you've had to face so much loss. I just-I'm just sorry.
Trust me on this, though- one day you wake up and realize you have remembered how to breathe. How to laugh. How to get into your car and then accidentally arrive at your destination seemingly without the drive.
And if you ever need anyone to talk to. More importantly, if you ever need anyone to listen, I promise you I'm there.
Amazing
Thanks I appreciate that more than you know. I wish I could have seen this when I felt the way I felt that day so I could talk a little better. My life is a mixture between good and bad right now, and sometimes I step out my door and want to take on the world, and sometimes I can barely move an inch and I don't know how to keep my motivation but I'm trying. Everything is just so.. messy. So messy and open for change, and I don't know how to be organized. I just got a new roommate and his parents send him money every week, and my mom moved two states away. and everything is happening so fast. I feel like everyone is figuring out who they are in love with and their favorite things and I'm sitting back watching money ball and doing nothing. I feel like the only approach I have to anything anymore is to ignore it. I didn't go to my dads funeral either because I was afraid I would go and realize I didn't know as much about my dad as I had hoped, and I can't decide if I made a mistake or it was just. On top of that, i'm dating a boy with more problems than me and I can't seem to leave him. I'm low-key in love with a boy I will never have and I feel like I'm caught up in a love triangle where one of the sides is dead because he overdosed not last summer but the one before. and I'm debating moving to hawaii but I don't know if I should establish myself here (I live in washington state by the way) or if I should go on and adventure and I guess that's the real question that everyone has.
Do you ever have a moment when you're doing something, (for me it's taking a drink, or driving fast) where you think about your father and wonder if he's watching you and judging the music you listen to. I feel like I think the most about this when i'm on car rides and now I don't want to leave the house if that means my mind won't wander there.
I don't know why I'm saying any of this. But thanks for listening,
I hope you're having a better day than I am.
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