Hey smilin' strange

I have always been an affectionate person. I love to hug, and kiss, and cuddle.

Just never my mother.

We are close, but for some reason, my entire life, I have never been fully comfortable with physical contact.

I wonder if she notices it. It never really bothered me until the last 6 months or so. Now that the idea of leaving home for good has a time limit, I find myself wishing she could braid my hair, or sit with me on the couch. Or maybe hug me goodnight.

But I just can't find myself to ask.

And sitting here, I feel kind of lonely. And I know that I will try to cover it up by hugging the mad scientist, which I love doing. But this is definitely a new kind of sadness that can only be ended by one her.

Perhaps people who grew up calling their parents mommy and daddy feel more of an affection? Mother and father always seemed like such cold terms, and mom and dad were in the middle. Does the name we know our parents by unconsciously define the type of relationship that we have with them?

It just might. Looking through pictures, I can't find a single one with my mom's arm around my shoulder, or either her or dad hugging me.

Is everyone like this?

She is definitely the most important person in my life. I just could never tell her that. When she says I love you on the phone, I kind of gawk until I hear the dial tone. Then I tell her that I love her too.

I hope that still counts.