Long worded evening

Writing is best done in the evening, I have come to find.

That way the whole day's race of thoughts and contemplations can reach the finish line. I spent time with an old friend today. He is not someone you would immediately think would be friendly and such a great thinker. The ear plugs and occasional Mohawk can throw you off. But I really do cherish my time with Alex M.

Maude has been in my head all day. I hope one day I can end up somewhat like her. Maybe not her lifestyle, but her philosophy on life just was so correct. I wish I didn't forget it so often.

You see Harold; I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people that are this, yet allow themselves to be treated as that.

I am this, but I allow myself to be treated as that. But I got such kind words from people who matter in response. And all I can say is thank you for understanding. I appreciate it more then you will ever know. tomorrow, I am going to wake up early. I am going to hike to my secret spot, and I am going to bandage up this continuing feeling of despair. I need to grow up. I never see kalene anymore. I just want one day this year just me and her. But only if she wants it. I'm fine with how things are now, I guess.

I glanced at his photo the other day, and it seemed so foreign to me, like this summer was a bad dream. But tonight, I know it wasn't. Tonight I miss the bastard. Damn his stare. I know that missed him all along, however. Because for the next two days, the only song I listened to was flowers in December by mazzy star. He gave me that song on purpose, and I cant seem to pull the record off of the player in my mind. I can't seem to rip his photo off of my memory's wall. I'm afraid if I pull to hard, I will be the one torn and ripped.

someday you're going to get hungry and eat most of the words you just said.

There is a kid I know who has eyes filled with millions of letters. Thousands of words and hundreds of sentences. Dying to get out. And each syllable jabbed a hole in his happiness. I talked to him tonight, and I am so glad that he can start to get these sentences out. He already had an amazing personality, now you just don't have to peer into his eyes to view it. I wish him the best of luck, and I will be there anytime he needs me. because I am always here. I'm here for kalene, Lauren, drew, Hannah, katt, Chad, aidan, Chapin ect. ect. I don't have friends sometimes. I have acquaintances needing advice. And I need advice too. But then I end up whining and they get annoyed with me. But they won't tell me. But I'm not dumb, I can sense it in between their gushes about that boy or this ignoring pattern or the math test. I sometimes wonder if I would be less lonely if I didn't give advice. Because I don't live life sometimes. I explain to others how to. Damn I'm selfish.

selfish and lonely. So I am taking donations to help me get to Seattle as soon as possible. why exactly am I home on a Friday night? Because I don't know how many more familiar faces I must stare into until I find myself somewhere else in the house with a book. oh god. Where did my beautiful summer drives with someone who was one long road of turns go? where did my other half go? Where do I go? So now I am afraid to stop typing because this keyboard is my only physical friend right now. I am so stupid. Here I am upset about nothing and my own incessant thoughts when people like annabel and really hurting. This society is too kind on us. It makes us unhappy. but why do people look at others and say "that person has no right to be sad, this other person has it off much worse"? Isn't pain still pain in the end? And yes there are definitely different degrees of sadness, but if you get a greater degree for a lesser amount of sadness, aren't you equal dying? On top of the guilt of being hurt over something trivial? I miss God. It's been a while since we have talked. peace love and respect. grace