I Found a Reason

Perhaps its just the substance crush of final papers, but I feel odd.

Its as if I'm leaving Hampshire for good, which I hope is absurd, but I don't know.

I keep dreaming of myself as old, hair gray and outlived, lying in a large bed in an oak floored room, with large windows that overlook something much father than me.

And everything is golden with a dying day.

The air is calm and there's a harmonica kind of love vibrating in me.

Its a vision that makes the youth version of myself, lying in a claw foot bathtub in a watermelon seed kind of green bathroom, want to explode.

Part of me wants to yank the golden thread hard enough to end up at the silver end.

I didn't expect the school year to end this way. Everyone seems so ready to flee. The energy is different, or perhaps I've just never felt it like this before.

Everything seems different. Blank walls seem to grow faces for me. I feel like I am living in the middle of a highway.

cars keep flying by me, but I just want to sit on the asphalt and think. Forever. I never understood why I get nostalgia before I even leave places. Perhaps its because I know that I will never be this young again. Responsibility starts when I get in that car for the long drive home.

And yet there I am, an old woman. And it looks so wonderful. I am happier than I have ever been, and I'm not sure my body knows how to let the minutes age into the past.

I seem to want to live everything this wonderful all at once. Bathtubs and honey children, vibrating tattoos and dying cells in a golden room.

My body yearns for the Trafalmadorian state of existence that my mind seems to have taken up.

If only I could close my hand and take a break for a second.