Hey smilin' strange

I have always been an affectionate person. I love to hug, and kiss, and cuddle.

Just never my mother.

We are close, but for some reason, my entire life, I have never been fully comfortable with physical contact.

I wonder if she notices it. It never really bothered me until the last 6 months or so. Now that the idea of leaving home for good has a time limit, I find myself wishing she could braid my hair, or sit with me on the couch. Or maybe hug me goodnight.

But I just can't find myself to ask.

And sitting here, I feel kind of lonely. And I know that I will try to cover it up by hugging the mad scientist, which I love doing. But this is definitely a new kind of sadness that can only be ended by one her.

Perhaps people who grew up calling their parents mommy and daddy feel more of an affection? Mother and father always seemed like such cold terms, and mom and dad were in the middle. Does the name we know our parents by unconsciously define the type of relationship that we have with them?

It just might. Looking through pictures, I can't find a single one with my mom's arm around my shoulder, or either her or dad hugging me.

Is everyone like this?

She is definitely the most important person in my life. I just could never tell her that. When she says I love you on the phone, I kind of gawk until I hear the dial tone. Then I tell her that I love her too.

I hope that still counts.

All the Dirt

Hi.

I admit it.

I missed this blog so much.

But I just couldn't go back to it. I thought that I had lost my edge, and every time I went to sit down here, I never quite got to where I needed to be.

So what has happened since I disappeared?

I'm sure most of you have dismissed this place as that girl you used to know so well, but who won't return your calls.

And now it's distant.

So let me try to pick up where I feel things got important.

Things like understanding in a car crash. In late June, the mad scientist and I got into a 3 car pile up and totaled his car. It was scary. It was something that I am glad I have been through, but I will never want to do again. For those of you who have felt the world slow down right before a crash, you understand what it's like. It leaves you with something, a memory that was so strong that it burned a permanent place in your dreams.

I am still with the Mad Scientist. No, he is not why I disappeared, as much as they would like to think so.

I disappeared because I wasn't myself, and when you are like that, everything you write looks more and more like a lie, and after a while you just can't

take it.

So I took some time off. I have been by myself most of this summer. And finally, for the first time in a long while, I feel like Grace.

It's nice to breathe easy again.

I would like to say that I will jump back on this blog and write away daily from now on. But it's more like losing a friend, and then trying to catch up. The sentences don't come so easily. The paragraphs look awkward. But I still remember what drew me to it in the first place, and that's why I'm back.