Down to this

With the exception of the mad scientist, I haven't been close friends with a boy in about two years.

Therefore, I'm not surprised that I am having trouble understanding the ones I come in contact with nowadays.

I dropped so many people, but the one I regret the most is the Coffee man. He got me through my first year at school. Every Monday, we would go get coffee and talk for an hour. I don't think he realized how much that kept me going.

I called him the other night and walked in to his life. He just accepted me back. I've always found a big brother in him, and it thrills me that that part in him has not changed a bit.

Other friends, however, were not so forgiving.

A real test of my relationship came about two months ago, when I called up Chokey. He used to be that boy that would keep me up late nights talking about everything. The one who When I called this time, he hated me. So I went out to dinner with him. I glimpsed a second of how life could be if I was still friends with everyone.

The Mad Scientist flipped.

Chad left me for New York last weekend. I had to be okay with it. I owe him a lot more than that.

My secret puzzles me. We've become friends of late, which is enjoyable. However, I just never know if I am being too forward for him. I can't create drama, that is not part of the agreement. But the ground is dry, and I am starting to wonder if he will call.

My curiosity frustrates the hell out of me. I've never met anyone quite like him. He seems so uncomfortable around me. I feel like I could talk to him for hours, but I know he doesn't want to. You can just tell when someone would be an incredible friend. I just don't think the feeling is mutual. I am so used to just putting all my thoughts out there with the Mad scientist. I forget that not all boys are so ready to be my friend.

And shall we forget lovely? Every night, when I drive around the corner, I unconsciously look for his car. But its just for a second. He isn't a person anymore. He is a feeling. That steel fist wrenching at your heart when you go to dial that number.

That is lovely. We all have one. Mine just happened to live down the street.

John Reaves and I are friends this year again. There is a complete absence of whatever issues we had between us. We see each other in limited doses, and I enjoy it thoroughly.

throughout all of this, I still feel invisible in the hallways. Boys have forgotten that I am there. I don't remember how they think. It scares me.

It scares me more than I care to know.