Goodbye Blue Monday

Here I sit, in the computer lab of the College of the Atlantic. It is everything I should have in a college.

and yet, here I sit, lonely at the moment. Anxiety always fills me when I leave friends for a vacation. It's stupid, but I always feel that they will have adapted without me while I am gone, especially Mr. All Around. I am always so worried that he doesn't care for me like I care about him. It's horrible, but I'm not used to a soul who doesn't want to talk about everything.

I'm still bothered by a directions slip up in a recent car trip, where a question on how to reach our destination turned into a question of where we would end up before college.

He didn't want to talk about it until it was necessary. The rapid way in which he responded scared me to death.

I've been afraid to bring it up to him, but part of me can't help wondering how he feels, not just about the dog days of August, but of now. these last exhalations of high school.

I feel like a ragged ballerina balancing a single worn satin shoe on the rocky hips that are Maine's coast.

Here my life stands ahead of me, amazing opportunities and people, and I am worried about home and an all around kind of guy who is amazing and has never muttered a malicious or worrying word.

Another aspect of this trip rests as a small spider in the corner of this web. I remember a COA student reading this blog. Part of me wishes I could meet them, to find a face in the crowd who has heard my voice other than the usual dance I have been preforming for strangers as to my whereabouts and interests.

The blur of AP tests and classes and exams has frozen as a permanent ink blot in the future of this term paper of an existence.

I care about all around, and time with him has made such clouds more bearable. I just hope I haven't become a burden or an annoyance to him. I don't know why I am so afraid to just sit down and talk to him. Perhaps I'm afraid of what I might hear.

But the storm must break before the dance can go on.