Ave Maria

This is what makes me believe.

I was born and raised a Roman Catholic. Schooled and trained and taught and breathed Roman Catholic. And there were always things about the religion that I didn't really sit well with, and that I thought were weird and useless. And then one day a year or two ago I started to look at the entire picture.

To see Catholic versus every other religion that I could find. To question the system, the popes, the cardinals, the rites, the faith. My entire life, basically. And I got so confused. I was a 14 year old trying to figure out the Catholic Church. Soon, every single time I stepped foot into a church for mass, I had a panic attack seize me like a tidal wave of holy water. And God started to slip away. And my belief started to slip away And the world felt so dark.

For the first time in my entire life, I didn't know if I believed in God. I wanted to believe in Jesus, but I just couldn't. There was so much doubt. Especially since my ideas of Jesus were taught by this denomination shackled me to rules that I didn't believe in. And agnostic Catholic? Yep. But tonight I put in the song Ave Maria. It's beautiful no matter who you are. And I got to thinking. Or remembering. I never felt happy in mass. I felt like I was in a fiction story, and all the stupid rites and set prayers were simply lines from a script. And I am pro choice and I want gay marriage because I want people to be happy. I don't care if I think it is wrong or not; that is not my decision.

In the end, I am not going to be confirmed in the Catholic church, although I am about to spend 2 years preparing for it. My heart is not in this theocracy. I am not Catholic. And this is how I know. I have gone to mass and gotten panic attacks. The only times I have felt close to God have been when it was just me and him. In church, just me and him. Without the singing and pamphlets and communion. Listening to this song. Jesus may be real, I don't know. He has never been with me like God. I am glad that I have found something without having to completely break away. I am glad that I have the strength to say that I have a problem with being Catholic, because I feel so locked in a box. The traditions that I have been taught will always be with me. They will always make me feel like I belong to something from my past, and will always comfort me. Because they are my culture. Not my belief.