This Year's Love Had Better Last

More than anything, people strive to appear confident.

Not to be confident. To wear it's mask.

It's really not our fault. Confidence brings about all the things in this society that we secretly yearn for.

As a result, people try so hard to appear together and happy, that they gradually slide a larger and larger pile of pain and feeling under the bed until it fights against the mattress and suddenly they are an insomniac lexapro taking freak.

I think that for the most part, I seem fairly outwardly confident.

But even when relaxing with my friends, I frequently get burned by their glares and outrage at my personality.

The long legs in short skirts and high heels prancing around my school day after day slash my facade behind my knee length clothes.

Many nights, especially tonight, I have to sit back and wonder.

I am a strong crazy person. How can these superficial absurdities affect me so deeply?

Even your favorite song can drive you into madness if it is all you hear.

None of this ever seems to let up. This really is the first time in my life that I have someone with whom I can cry around.

This really is my first relationship. Lovely was bullshit. He wasn't real. I have truly never met someone who is so caring, so wonderful, so near perfect.

It is this mountain for me to stand on that sits right in front of the valley that I have dug myself into. I have a very long way to climb before I can appreciate all of it.

A lot of times, I have trouble believing that he likes me. But that is my pessimism trying to substitute for self esteem.

"With you, the more I see these issues that you have, the more I think that you are perfect"

Where did this mad scientist come from?

I am thinking hard about what words have been released into the atmosphere tonight, and he is so incredibly right.

So for the record, I am not all together. I don't know if anyone really is. But there is no sense in comparing one life to another. I have lost a lot of confidence, but that is because I have let others grab it from me like a handful of cotton candy.

once again, I am going to try to love my rollercoaster body. I am going to stray away from the people who make me feel like shit. I am going to acknowledge that the mad scientist really does like me almost as much as I like him. Because I know that he is the greatest thing that I have had pass me by in a while.

And this time around, I am not going to let it go.

Because in the end, I really do think that self esteem is being happy around others, and coming home and not being completely together, but being happy just the same.