All the Wild

It has been so long since I have been completely alone.

No one to call. No one to listen.

I forgot how lonely staring out the window on sleepless nights can be.

I hope I did the right thing. I cared so much about the mad scientist. It just turned more into a friendship. I couldn't hurt him anymore.

But how many have I done this to? Katt. Amira. Kalene. Lauren. Chad. Chapin. It keeps going.

Nights like these I wonder if I am going to screw life up. I got upset tonight over a trivial issue, and I couldn't convey why. I think I scared away a friend as a result. Who would want to be companions with a crazy one like me?

I pray I am doing the right thing. Will I get into UVA? Will I enjoy my life if I do? Am I settling? Is this my dream, or my family's?

I called lovely last night, just to see if he would answer. I forget that as life goes on here, another life goes on for him as well. I don't know why I bother. I suppose I still think about him because some of the best times in my life occurred driving wherever in that old loud mustang. Lovely was the only one crazier than me. He made me feel like maybe I belonged somewhere in this world.

I really do miss the mad scientist. I miss laughing with him. We may have been at odds a lot by the end, but we totally understood each other sometimes. If I had danced in the car with anyone else, they would have just laughed uncomfortably and wished they were home sooner. The scientist was the only one who would dance along with me.

it is so hard to let go of a puzzle piece that you were sure fit.

The others, they have their own lives. I love them so much, but sometimes I'll find myself trying to melt into the backseat while their gossip floats with the music from the dash. I just don't quite fit.

I'm sick of being the minority in political views. I am sick of people laughing at my train of thought. I am sick of people ducking out of beautiful photographic memories. I can't take feeling ugly and invisible anymore. I don't want to always be the one to initiative hanging out. I miss resting my head on the car windowsill. I miss the smell of that old mustang, looking over and seeing one of the few people I understand smiling back at me. I want dancing in the car back. I would kill for one evening without a care in the world. Where did my coffee nights go? The black and white photos of my head back, mouth eternally frozen into a laugh? Where did my ability to write run off to?

Being alone wouldn't feel so worthless if I didn't think I was always going to be the odd one out.

I am going to be 18 in 6 days. I look back on the past four years. The past 17 years. And it kills me to say I don't see anything that I kept up. Any friends I kept along. Any ideals I dragged with me.

I have been a loner all my life.
And I might just be for the rest of it.