Leg Virus

You boy ,
you are so smart. but why do you torture yourself?

Why do you torture me?

You have been so kind over the years. Our best moments were when there were no games. Don't you realize how much better this would all be if you didn't worry and shy away, only to force me into a state of eternal analyzing?

You are like a crack addict who ran out of veins years ago.

I sit here like I did a few days ago, I'm sure. And I am puzzled as to why it was such a horrible summer for me, when some of the best things in the world happened. Maybe it was the torture in between.

Don't tell anyone, but my favorite time with you was last winterbreak, when you came home. I have the photos to prove it. It was innocent and so much fun. You would smile and I would laugh. And just once, I caught a look in your eye that started this entire thing. I saw what you wanted for a split second, but the hours after half convinced me you were just an amazing friend.

And I sometimes think that is the better way. But you are so smart.

So please tell me dear

Why could it not have been both? I gave you the most trust that I have given anyone that last morning. Then you kicked me off of your doorstep, and typed that you didn't like closure. This only after you ignored me for weeks after..Yes. You mess with my head.

Please Lovely. If you ever read this in your entire life, even if I am dead and you are old and wrinkled with children and a woman you love at your side, please. please. Realize that it could have been both ways. I could have been your friend and your lover too. Otherwise you would have not escaped even 500 miles away.

But yes, I am not going to overthink it this time. You are away, and I am growing up again.

I miss you too,
Grace