Stuck in Neutral

Sometimes I really wish that I didn't care that I was writing some crazy paper to get into a summer governors school program that I am apprehensive about.

that the only person who really understands me is 3000 miles away, and the only person I want to understand is pretty damn far away, too.

That I get so stressed out about college when I can't even drive yet, and I have no idea what to be when I grow up. But that is exactly the problem. The very thought of not knowing what is going to happen opens up the slightest chance of failure. And that is something that I could simply not live with.

So is it better to try to enjoy my life without worrying and in retrospect never getting to fully love what is going on around me..Or work my ass off to get somewhere that I think that I should be according to my standards? It would be so much more fun if I could easily choose. I wonder how I got so stressed about things in life. I don't know if it was born in me, or if I have picked it up over the years.

I think I am just naturally like this, and as a result I need someone who will ground me and make me think differently. Make me think in the present tense. Maybe that is why I enjoy Alex so much. and a complete 180 of subjects..Why is rivalry still so big in life? I don't specifically mean competition..Good healthy competition is wonderful..But when you start to lose friends because you beat them in a volleyball game..And then cheered for the next team they play to cheer that team up..Something has gone too far.

Even the high school rivalry in my town has reached a scary deafening roar. I hate pride so much..And if I didn't have so much of it..I would condemn it completely. This blog has truly helped me to sort some things out. It is nice to have somewhere to let out part of my insanity. When you see something written in front of you, it becomes a physical thing in your mind. Ideas that you have unconsciously been turning over have a definite shape and beauty. What an interesting ability. I highly suggest that if you do not already write, or paint,or photograph, or let part of your soul out for some exercise regularly..You start so immediately. Writing and photography are close together on the spectrum of expression. But that may just be a matter of opinion. In any case, tomorrow is the last day of my month. And what a beautiful month it is.