Leaving on a Jet Plane

I was never that upset when Lovely went away to college.

Today, the mad scientist asked me what was going to happen when college came.

And it hit me when I heard him say that, because I realized that he had been thinking about that too.

And it really hit me when I heard myself say "You'll go to college, and I'll stay behind."

What the fuck. This conversation is a year too early to be happening.You know, I may have a lot in this life. I may be talented in some areas, and have a good head on my shoulders.

But if one more person that I care for has to pick up and leave me with nothing but my own thoughts in this hellhole of conservative misunderstanding

strangers

Then I don't know what I'll do. This is the first person that I could talk to since my other half moved away. Suddenly, two years seems like the blink of an eye.

What happened to second grade? Where did recess and kickball and coloring for homework go?Why can I no longer find myself lost for hours, imagining boundless situations in my backyard.

Why do I cram my self esteem into high heels, get into my car, and curse under my breath all the way to work?

Why am I going to find myself at 40 years old one day. Paying bills. Worrying about the very foundation of this house of responsibilities that I have built around me.

I don't want to have to worry about drugs or sex or std's or car insurance or college or term papers or if my legs are too fat or if I am going to lose yet another wonderful thing one day.

It hurts because love has a time limit. It hurts because every birthday, every anniversary, every time that I see his face, I'm one moment closer to sitting behind my closed bedroom door, missing every aspect of him.

This is crazy. It hasn't even become a long term relationship. I am not sure if I am confusing all of this with new love that will fade, or if it's just a fact that our relationship is going to run longer than time will allow.

I need to take a step back and enjoy now. So when I do find myself old and gray, I won't look back and regret that I missed what I had because I was so worried about what was to come.

He kisses her at stoplights

I think that the worst thing about this holiday is that a lot of people only have a few good ones in their lifetime.

This is finally one of my years.

He is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I sometimes wonder if God carved his arms out to perfectly fit around me. He makes me sit and just continually laugh in disbelief in my amazing fortune.

My friends say that if I was a boy, I would be him. How on earth did I possibly run into this person?

I love him because he makes me love myself more than I have in a long time. He likes curves. That is still a mystery to me.

But at what point does love become love? I think that we have been fighting that question, and will continue to fight that question for the rest of eternity, because it is different for everyone. I have decided that for me, obsession is an infatuation with unearthly realism.

And love is the realization that I have something real that is not from this world.

I hope that you are not anti-valentine's day. No, it did not originally start off as a hallmark holiday. It started off because there was love. It didn't mean to become such a taboo holiday. That is people's fault. We take such a pure thing as love, and we slam it with hammers to try to make it fit a certain shape. We get angry at it, and deny it's very existence when we search for it too hard.

Don't do that. I am sorry if it sucks for you this year. But I want you to know, though you may not believe me,

Everyone has a favorite Valentine's day.
And Katt, I want you to know, I finally changed my password. Yes, it may just be love.

Save it for a rainy day

There are reasons the hippies never got the revolution off the ground.

In an affluent society, it's almost impossible to escape the products and services shoved into our consciousness.

Yesterday, I found out that my entire life has been mapped out for me. By the exact things, and with the exact means, that I struggle so hard to keep quiet.

I do not live in a well off home. My parents could not afford to buy me a car.

I have a 10,000 dollar car in the driveway right now. And where did it come from?

"We'll call it your birthday present."

My father came from a very rich family. So rich that even I have my own fortune that has been set aside for me until an undisclosed time. I wasn't even allowed to know how much I have. And yet, time and time again, I keep hearing about how this is such a good thing for me.

Yesterday, they told me the amount. And I feel like I know something that has ruined my sense of childhood, almost. It was a mini version of knowing the date of your death, in that it has set up camp in the foreground of my mind.

In some ways, I feel very guilty about having this opportunity. I don't deserve it at all, but I feel bad for not appreciating it enough.

And I am worried that I am going to change to fit the image that my family wants, in order to show how much I deserve all of this. Part of me is already itching to become some high class doctorlawyerpolitician.

I am so scared that once people find out that I have money, the green eyed monster comes out. The one that hides behind a fake smile. I hope to God that I do not fall into the hands of a false friend.

I have grown up being taught that you need to work for everything. My natural hippie liberal tendencies to help the underdog feels so contradicted by a number.

I do hope that I do the right thing. I know that I probably will.

But it is also so easy to suddenly need what you used to want.

Knowledge of self

It scares me how much I like him.

It scares me how much I can't believe that he likes me.

Being around him is like listening to the opening notes of my favorite Dire Straits song.

My tall, big eyed friend tells me that she felt like this for the first 5 months.

That I will eventually relax..Or lose my sanity.
Today was a weird day. It really upset me. I don't know why. I never like to see him worried or sick.

But we were two people with stuffed up noses and bad coughs. We were sharing a cold. And all day, through my treacherous, tissue filled exams, I couldn't wait to crawl into his bed and nap.

I've never fallen asleep in someone's arms before. It is a small thing that I have always wanted to do in the back of my mind. I loved it. Even through the sniffles.

And I love the fact that he was worried when I got a tattoo.

I got a tattoo.

He spends so much time with me, I wonder why he isn't sick of me yet. I wonder why I care so much. I wish he wouldn't read this, because he's just going to be angry with me.

Sometimes I wish that the people that make such a stance in my life could meet each other. That my mad scientist could have met my other half. That they could have sat down and had coffee with lovely.

Sometimes I feel like I have a revolving wheel of who is in my life. I never seem to get more than one.

Nowadays, I look back on Lovely, and I realize how much of a mistake it was. Even now. Even saying hello to him makes me feel like shit.

And I miss Katt so much. But she has changed so much since that night we danced in the rain. She couldn't be any farther away right now.

And here I am with my mad scientist. What an excellent guy. And what an excellent Dire Straits song.

La maison de mes rêves

I know that most of my posts have been about the same thing lately. And I know that I am very personal on this site. Very.

But after a long day of school and work, when I stumble through the doors in those high heels that have glued themselves to my feet

I find myself slunching into this old chair, holding onto the keyboard like I was lighting my last match. This is my form of letting go.

These are my self inflicted scars.

Maybe I scare you. Perhaps you are not used to stumbling on such a personal verification of life.
But that is where we should all take one big step out of that mother fucking box.

By being so personal, I become impersonal. I am one short story board to read in between Chokey Chicken and Tony Pierce

I have come to love this blog. In a few short months, it has helped me more than any medicine ever could. It's how I can get the things out that I can't quite say to my friends the right way. It is how I show the mad scientist that I am completely crazy about him, and about how scared I am that I am crazy about him.


For the right price, I can't get everything.

but that's okay, because most of the things I want, I can get for free.