Leaving on a Jet Plane
I was never that upset when Lovely went away to college.
Today, the mad scientist asked me what was going to happen when college came.
And it hit me when I heard him say that, because I realized that he had been thinking about that too.
And it really hit me when I heard myself say "You'll go to college, and I'll stay behind."
What the fuck. This conversation is a year too early to be happening.You know, I may have a lot in this life. I may be talented in some areas, and have a good head on my shoulders.
But if one more person that I care for has to pick up and leave me with nothing but my own thoughts in this hellhole of conservative misunderstanding
strangers
Then I don't know what I'll do. This is the first person that I could talk to since my other half moved away. Suddenly, two years seems like the blink of an eye.
What happened to second grade? Where did recess and kickball and coloring for homework go?Why can I no longer find myself lost for hours, imagining boundless situations in my backyard.
Why do I cram my self esteem into high heels, get into my car, and curse under my breath all the way to work?
Why am I going to find myself at 40 years old one day. Paying bills. Worrying about the very foundation of this house of responsibilities that I have built around me.
I don't want to have to worry about drugs or sex or std's or car insurance or college or term papers or if my legs are too fat or if I am going to lose yet another wonderful thing one day.
It hurts because love has a time limit. It hurts because every birthday, every anniversary, every time that I see his face, I'm one moment closer to sitting behind my closed bedroom door, missing every aspect of him.
This is crazy. It hasn't even become a long term relationship. I am not sure if I am confusing all of this with new love that will fade, or if it's just a fact that our relationship is going to run longer than time will allow.
I need to take a step back and enjoy now. So when I do find myself old and gray, I won't look back and regret that I missed what I had because I was so worried about what was to come.
posted by Amazing at 10:05 PM
5 Comments:
If you don't stop wondering about what might happen, you will never get to experience what will happen. Take it from a kid who ruined her life wondering. It never gets you anywhere. Just like you said, take each moment as if it were your last and never think about the true ending.
Where did you take that picture? That graffiti and surrounding stuff looks really really familiar to me. Thanks -Eryn w/ no Blogger account.
friggin update Grace
I agree with Courtney...
Although it is okay to discuss the future and possible plans you might make, don't dwell on the worrying about what sadness or difficulty it might bring. Remember, those difficulties are what make you stronger, keep people together, and of course give you inspiration for writing. I graduated high school over ten years ago and still have a few connections from that time. You will too, if they are the most important to you.
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